Log in

No account? Create an account
Windows To The Soul

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
9:50 am - Celebrity Look-Alike

and finally, my baby....

Celebrity Collage" alt="MyHeritage - create your own Celebrity Collage" target="_blank"></a>
1 blotches of blue ... step into the blue
Sunday, August 20th, 2006
12:31 am - Cheers To The Soul
I'm a few hours away from seeing death. (again!)

At 5 this afternoon, a very close family friend died from lung cancer (that is: the cancer began in the lungs, jumped to the brain, and gradually spread through the bones). I used to call him Tito Rolly. Very cool guy Tito Rolly was. We would often go to his house to drink gin, or eat crispy pata. He was one of the few people who saw me as a man at a time when most thought I was a boy. Once, he and his son were beaten up by drunken by-standers. My mom and I brought them both to the hospital. The kid was critical; the father was in a state of disbelief. We talked by the curb outside the hospital that night. He told me that there is nothing worse than seeing your son get beaten up without you being able to do anything about it. By noon tomorrow, his body will be brought back to Bulacan where he would be buried.

Once again, solid proof that life is too short. (and also, that cigarettes and excessive drinking could really fuck you up) What a pity! As my dad said right after hearing the awful news, "It's always the good ones that go first." I said it a few lines ago, "Very cool guy Tito Rolly was." Here's to being good, Tito! *raises glass* We'll see you again someday. (though not too soon, I hope)

Which brings me to my next topic...

Of course, this is a great overstatement. (the "3-minute abs" thing was the worse invention of all time!) Kidding aside, I do acknowledge that the cellphone has revolutionized the world. (Note here that I use the word "revolutionized" knowing fully well what it means: to change the world drastically such that it could never be the way it was before) The "cell"'s application in economics, global development, politics, education, security, and so on and so forth, is indeed commendable. Still, my stand has not changed!

The cellphone is the worse invention of all time for it has taken away our humanity!

I'm in a position to speak because my life literally revolves around my cellphone. For what I believe is a sixth of a day (that's roughly 4 hours!), I stare at my cellphone or at least have my ear hugging the unit. For around HALF a day, I find myself holding my cellphone; and yes, this happens even when I sleep. For about THE WHOLE 24 HOURS, I worry about when my phone will ring next; and what nightmare of a text message I get once again!

It's terrible, really; and I'm in a very unenviable position -- A position, which unfortunately, almost every human is in. We have all become slaves of our cellphones. (or for higher level geeks, your PCs) Our humanity is being sucked dry by these gadgets!

How, you might ask? Well, I think that when humans, instead of visiting and consoling and hugging a friend whose husband just died, just sends a text message saying, "Am very sori to hear dat. I xtend my condolences."; then something's wrong with our humanity. When a boss sends via cellphone, "Congrats!" to an employee rather than giving him a firm handshake and a good pat on the back; then I see how robotic we've become. When a girlfriend measures your love by the amount of "sweet and cheesy" text messages you send, rather than by the time you sacrifice to be with her, then I could say trouble's-a-brewing. (To my dear, sweet baby; I do not mean this as a "parinig")

We have lost our true selves! We've become machines!

Sure, condemn me now by saying that, "the thought and the feelings are still there!"; and that, "hey, at least the message got there faster." All I have to say to those with violent reactions is: "It's just not the same!"

To clutch the arm of a grieving widow; to jokingly punch your co-worker; to caress the soft and supple shoulder of your girlfriend -- these can never be replaced by font-10 words in an LCD. All the read-in-between-the-lines gestures have been forgotten! And don't give me the "fast and instant" crap. Don't people see that in the "waiting" lies the drama?!? All that pent up emotion just comes out after an extended period of time. The waiting is what makes it so real -- so heartfelt.

Take for example a "good night, love," statement. When this is sent as a message, it might casue "kilig" moments for the first three times. But the message losses it's appeal. Now, imagine this line said after the first date a couple has had in a week! And add to this a close-up picture of the couple's hands clenched so tight it's as if they don't want to let go. It kinda reminds you of the "priceless" series of commercials doesn't it.

Oh, let's all just admit it: that in a way we have lost a part of our humanity. To say that we haven't is hypocrisy! At least in admitting such a fact, we can prevent the erosion of everything that keeps us human. The gadgets won't go away; and they could only improve in time. Let's just not allow these things to take the place of our souls.

Well, I'll have to end this lecture at this point.
I have to read this incoming text message.

current mood: irritated
6 blotches of blues ... step into the blue
Monday, January 30th, 2006
12:07 am - Love In Less Than 3 Days!
Lust can never amount to love; but it sure acts as a great springboard for a meaningful relationship.

I've never really watched Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet before. Though a big fan of the bard, I've never found the time to watch or even read the famous tragedy. (the only thing I've seen is the "Leo Di Caprio looking at Claires Danes through an aquarium" scene) Though, of course, I know the basic plot and ending (who doesn't); I've never realized the deep philosophical lessons it contained.

From a mere observer's point of view, the whole play is but a ball of cheese. The kind that makes you want to puke every ten minutes. There's a whole lot of smooching, and flirting, and a barrage of potential-pick-up-line dialogues. Angsty and perenially depressed people are adviced not to see it.

Anyway, the plot is quite simple. Playboy sees girl. The world stops for a few minutes. They start kissing within the hour and decide to get married a little while after. Boy kills girls cousin and gets banished from the city. Both of them can't take it; and so, finally, they decide to kill themselves. Ah, yes... True love indeed! Or is it, really?

The whole plot happens in three days; a real mind-boggler for conservatives all over the world. What the hell is three days, right? That's a fling. Hell, it's worse than that. It's a freaking one-night stand! Only, it happens in 3 days and there's a lot of really weird english dialogue in the middle. I guess it's a 3-night stand, or something. Fact of the matter is, everything happened too fast. Add into the mix the tiny detail of Romeeo and Juliet being teenagers (Juliet was 14!); and we have a pretty good (and immoral) mess in our hands.

Is it possible for such a setting to produce true love? The plain answer would be a resounding "Hell NO!" First off, teenagers know shit about love. Next, the two protagonists know snot about one another and merely based their entire relationship on looks and carnal instinct. Also, love must definitely need something more than 3 days in order for it to bloom. And there's a lot more reasons why Roemo and Juliet's love could not possibly be one that's true. (ask those conservatives, they'll tell you)

Thing is, I'm not one who sticks with the "plain answer". I say, their love was indeed true. And this is where the really heavy philosophical shit comes in. Romeo and Juliet's love had THE key ingredient, and that is, CHOICE!

Yes, true enough, it all started out with lust. That whole dialogue on the first kiss and how Romeo kisses "by the book" (i should really read that book sometime); it was lust, plain and simple. They saw each other on the dance floor, and their hormones told them they had just found a great piece of meat. That's it. But it did not end at lust.

If their love was indeed merely lust in disguise, then they should have backed off after they had done the carnal act. They should have walked away and had their marriage annulled, since they had no legal capacity being below 18 and all (granting that their laws are the same as ours); or they could have just agreed to being f*ck-buddies or something. The thing is, though; they did no such thing. They pursued their relationship, short-lived though it was. Both of them had golden opportunites to say, "Enough with this stupidity. Let's go on with our lives." Juliet could have wed the rich count. Romeo could have lived in some other place and resume his life of playboy-hood (again, there is no such word boys and girls). However, they never did. Instead, they chose to continue the relationship. A choice that ended up in the death of both parties.

Some people might argue passion. That the two star-crossed lovers had acted out of impulse and that they never thought things through. So what if they hadn't?! Passion is what drives us all. The moment we lose passion, we become robots. The young lovers were passionate and that's what made their story so interesting. How many people fight for what they believe to be true? Very, very few. It took a lot of courage to do what Romeo and Juliet did; and it was passion that had fueled this courage. Lust begot passion begot courage begot love.

And as for the argument that they did not think things through: of course they did! How else would they be able to conjure such complicated plans? When Juliet had been confronted by her parents, she had the grace under pressure to plot a course of action. As Romeo returned to Verona, he had time to think of what to do. And they both decided the same way: that life would mean shit without one another. Sure, it was not the most pragmatic of decisions; but remember "Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point." (the heart has its reasons, whereof reason knows nothing) It might not be so wise for us; but place yourself in their shoes. A captain, who realizes his ship is sinking, would go down with it. A samurai who loses his honor commits hara kiri. An army officer during a great war would rather die in the battlefield than limp home wounded. What makes Romeo and Juliet's case any different. Sometimes, we do not understand things becuase of our practicality; but when placed in a particular situation, we ourselves lose this same practicality and act according to what we know to be right.

This argument is even consistent with the theological/philosophical teaching that love is not about finding someone to complete you. Romeo and Juliet never told one another that they complimented each other. From what I saw in the play, they were quite fine alone before they met; both teenagers perfectly content with their lives. Together, though, they had found something of such great power and intensity, of such truth and indescribable perfection, that life itself and everything it was promising to offer had paled in comparison to that which they had found.

Think about it this way. Remember the question, "What is the meaning of life?" Well, imagine finding an answer to that question. That was the way it was (well, at least from what i surmise) with Romeo and Juliet. Once we find the answers to all the questions we ask; nothing alse really matters. We just smile.

I can go on and on defending the love displayed by Juliet and her Romeo; but i suppose we all see the point. (or not) Bottom line is, love, in addition to being indescribable and undefinable, is never time-bound. It may surface now; or it may already have surfaced; or it may never show at all. Whether it occurs in 3 days or 3 lifetimes doesn't matter. What does matter is that the choice is made. The enlightenment might occur immediately (as in the case of Romeo and Juliet), or it might take several reincarnations; but I am sure, in each of our lives, it will come. Probably not in the same magnificence as found in literature, though it would still be life-altering. We just have to keep our eyes, minds and hearts open. We'll never know when the need to make THE choice shall arise.

current mood: high
2 blotches of blues ... step into the blue
Sunday, January 1st, 2006
11:08 pm - Learning Patience
The movie "Bruce Almighty" gives us tons of very memorable scenes: there's the parting of the red tomato soup, the part where Jim Carrey's character gets seven fingers in one hand, the gibberish scene of the "40-year old virgin" guy, and a lot more. For me, however, one scene stands out, and it isn't much of a comedy scene (though it was a tad bit funny). It was the part where Jim Carrey had visited Jennifer Aniston at the school she teaches in; and he was trying to make Jennifer's character love him. Note that at this point, Carrey had all the powers of God, and the only limitation to this power was that he could not mess around with free will. In the scene, as the girl turns her back on him, Carrey's character stretches out both arms, focuses his stare at Aniston and screams out, "Love Me! Love Me! Love Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Of course, nothing happens, and Jennifer just looks at him with a what-the-hell-are-you-doing expression on her face. She says "I'm sorry" and turns to leave a very exasperated Jim Carrey.

We humans must be really stubborn animals. It takes us such a long time to grasp this concept (and even when we do learn about it, it takes an eternity for us to understand it); that is, the concept of free will.

Exit Bruce Almighty, enter 2006.

Perhaps my first realization of the year is that people cannot change in a snap. If God, himself, cannot affect free will, whom am I to try and do so?

A few days back, I had a talk with my sister, for she was carrying deep anger towards another person and it was destroying her (though she would not admit this last part, it was quite evident). This hate that she was harboring had sucked (and is still sucking out) the joy from her life. Being the pacifist and peace-lover that I am, I was pleading to her to throw away these ill feelings -- to let go and allow love to enter her life once again. She wouldn't.

I lectured to her on redemption, about how vengeance belongs to God and is His alone. I explained to her that one black spot in her heart may lead to her destruction and that it is much better to forgive and forget and live in love for the rest of her mortal life. She wouldn't listen.

I begged her, telling her that her anger had already led to selfishness as well as to the suffering of others, as her usual dark attitude had also affected the lives of everyone near her. Nothing worked. Even blackmail (I tried telling her that if she really loved me as her brother, she would let go of this hate) would be of no use; and this technique used to work wonders before. It was hopeless.

"Why are you forcing me to change, kuya? I can't. You can't expect someone to change immediately. I try, kuya, I really do. But don't expect me to lose all this hatred in a snap. I am not you."

These words sent my whole argument crashing. Why was I expecting change to happen that fast? People don't change overnight. Sometimes, it takes weeks, months, even years, before a person turns a new leaf. The whole new year's resolution overnight change thing, does not work. We need to wait patiently for change; and I had forgotten all about this.

In a way, I was being selfish as well. I wanted her to change at once, so as I wouldn't have to deal with a real bitchy sister all the time. I had failed to understand her position. Now, I know better.

First lesson for the year: learn how to wait. It is not possible, nor is it fair, for me to expect people to change that fast; I have to give them time. I can't just go shouting, "Love ME! Love ME!" at someone. Things like that have to wait. Patience is a virtue; and good things come to those who wait. Both cliche, I know; but amazingly, very applicable in life.

It's just the start of the year. There's a long ways to go.

current mood: restless
... step into the blue
Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
12:14 pm - On Eating Alone (Part Two)
Yes, it is but natural for people as beings to "eat alone". The thing is, we are not just any ordinary beings -- we are human. We transcend bodily living and go beyond to the needs of the soul. Yes, we may not need the physical company of others to live, but we need this presence to bear living and to add color to life. And as beings who constantly seek that which is more, we need color in our lives.

We may choose to be alone, yes; but soon enough, we grow tired of it. I too am like that. I know that I can be successful alone, and that if I were to tread life's path on my own, I would be fine. But what a dry and boring life that would turn out to be if I choose to live it forever. With that kind of life, there would be no drama, no salt. It would be like eating salad with no dressing, only vinegar (yuck!)

Being alone is what's natural to us, that is true. That is why we can be at peace and meditate when we are alone (the way the monks do). But being at peace for the rest of our days would not make us part of the living; for in a life full of peace, we would be better off dead. Yes, alone, there would be no noise, no distractions, no pain, no confusion; and yet, isolation also denies us warmth, touch, and those little smiles seen on our faces that are much more genuine than those seen in pictures.

And so, yes, we do not need company. I need no one! But I choose to leave this blissful isolation just to have something more -- a life.

When I was faced with the question of what I would do if money were no object, and I imagined that picturesque scene of me standing in isolation at the top of a European castle; I was merely being my natural self. I was not being selfish. Neither was I distancing myself from humanity. And nor was I escaping from reality. I was being what I am: a person who can face the world alone. And yet, deep inside, I knew that if ever this picture did become reality, I would not be able to bear it for the rest of my life. For still, I would be human and yearn for more than peace and tranquility.

"So, why do you eat alone?"

Well, it's to appreciate the times when I am with you even more...

current mood: giddy
... step into the blue
11:19 am - On Eating Alone (Part One)
I've always wanted to write something about this topic, I just never found the time.

I was watching a movie a couple of weeks ago (I actually forget the title, but it was about a bunch of kids trying to steal the SATs) and one of the characters had asked another, "if you could do anything and money was no object, what would it be?" And, though I know this might sound selfish, and unromantic, and definitely unlike me; the first thought that came to mind was being on top of a castle in Europe, looking over a great lake and the vast green pastures, with the sun setting in the horizon. I was breathing the fresh country air. And the thing was, I was alone... and I was happy.

A week ago, as I was waiting for someone in Starbucks, I felt mighty hungry. It was dinnertime and a Jollibee was just a few feet away. So, I sauntered over there and ordered a huge meal of chicken, palabok, and ice cream. As I was about to dive into my food, I heard someone call out "Kuya Abet!" It was, of course, a former student who was now studying at the Ateneo. I waved to her and once again focused on my meal.

She approached about a minute after and sat in front of me. I didn't mind. She was one of my more livelier kids and she engaged me in conversation immediately. (It was a rather welcome conversation, for I had missed my students' company) After a while, she asked to be pardoned. She went back to her table, where all of her other friends were sitting, got her tray of food, and sat down to eat with me. I appreciated the gesture.

"Why were you going to eat alone?" she asked.

This wasn't the first time a person had asked me this. What's wrong with eating alone? I've already heard the argument that it is one of the loneliest things in life. I see that point clearly. Eating is indeed meant for sharing, not just sharing of food but of stories as well. But it does not always NEED to be done in the company of others. Eating alone need not be lonely. I believe it only depends on the person.

The thing I've realized lately about myself is that I don't need the company of others. When I study, I'd rather do it alone. I can spend hours reading a book in the corner of a room, and not care about the rest of the world. In college, I had a meditating spot near lambingan bridge where very few people passed and I was never bothered. I could go shopping alone and I wouldn't mind. I never needed the company of others; and during the times when I would, I chose to be with them.

Sociology tells us that man is a social animal. We need other people's company. However, has anyone ever dared question this belief? Will we, indeed die without the company of others? My personal answer to this is no, we won't. Being with other people is a desire. It is a human want, not a human need. As animals, as bodies, we will live alone. But, (and this is where I start contradicting myself) as beings with souls, we require companionship, friendship, affection, compassion, and love.

The point I am trying to make is that we, as individuals, can make it alone. It is what is natural to us as beings. We do not ask someone eating alone why he is alone, for this is only what is natural for him/her. The question to be asked is why doesn't he choose to be with others. Why would he rather be alone than join the other people around him. If someone wishes to be alone, then allow them to be alone.

Free Will may be a bitch, but she's a bitch who will remain for all eternity. Let people who want to be alone, be alone. In time, they just might stop choosing to be such.
1 blotches of blue ... step into the blue
Friday, December 16th, 2005
3:33 am - Motion For Reconsideration
I don't want to freak you out. I don't want to scare you shitless. No, I am not a stalker as you might think. Nor am I obsessed, though it may seem like it. I'd just want to make certain things clear.

Two days ago, you told me you wanted to be friends. All that time, I was thinking to myself, "girl, I have too many friends as it is.. I'm not looking for a friend.." But I heard you out. I heard your reasons; and I found logic in them. As I said that very same day, every single utterance coming from your mouth was fair.

You said you found it hard to trust me; and I can't blame you -- I find it hard to trust myself. In fact, a handful of people reading this journal would vouche for my untrustworthiness, if there is such a thing. I've done things before which, though I do not regret ever having done them (in fact, I am quite thankful for the experiences and growth I've achieved through them), would hardly make me worthy of the trust of a person. I can be manipulative. I am an actor. I can fake things, and I can make things up; and this is a part of my curse. Because of this, Nobody may ever trust me again.

You also said you were afraid of committment, and that you refuse to leave the life you're currently living. You're afraid of your parents and that it would take years before you eventually grow out of this disposition. I understand this completely. Actually, I've passed this exact same stage before and I know how difficult it is to change gears.

Also, you mentioned how I might not be able to last as a suitor: that I might have a hard time expecting too much and progressing too slowly at the same time. I appreciate the kindness and concern. Seldom do women have the heart and sensitivity to think of these things; and I admire, as well as thank you, for that. You were trying to save me from pain and that means a lot to me.

There were more besides these. You explained so much in such a short span of time that each word seemed to be needles piercing through what I thought was a thickly-carapaced heart. You mentioned you liked me too (I suppose in a friendly way). You tried to give me hope by saying that perhaps, "in time", we could have something. You even mentioned the occasion you remembered most with me. Point was, you wanted me only as a friend, not a suitor, not anything else.

For reasons I do not know, I felt nothing after our conversation. No, I was not numb nor was I emotionless. It just didn't hit me as much as I thought it would. I felt nothing.

I went home thinking, trying hard to conjure a reason why I had felt nothing. Nothing came. Was there something wrong with me? Had all these years of unrequited love made me bitter and heartless? These were the questions I asked myself; and in time, I all answered them in the negative. The thing was, there was actually nothing for me to feel bad about. You hadn't broken my heart, and nor did you trash my love. In fact, there was no love to speak of. Now, before you react, let me explain.

Never, in my life, had I ever courted anyone. Everything came easy to me, and never did I have to work for a relationship. I never risked anything, and that's why relationships never seemed that important. Whenever there was someone I ever did truly "love" (if I even know what the word means), I never really made any move. I just watched quietly until the day came when they had to say goodbye. The thing is, due to my selfisheness, I doubt if I ever truly learned the meaning of love. Yeah, sure, I probably took up enough Theology to pinpoint when love comes; but i don't think I really know what love is.

Whatever it is though, what we have right now probably isn't it. Don't get me wrong. I LIKE YOU! I really, sincerely, honestly, frankly, whole-heartedly do. I wouldn't have started courting you if I didn't. You're fun to be with. We make great music together (even if that does sound extra-ordinarily cheesy). I get along with your mom. I love your smile, and I can spend the whole day just looking into your chinky eyes. (okay, that's an exaggeration. of course I still have to eat and sleep, but you get the point right?) You are an amazing girl and I-LIKE-YOU. But it still isn't love. As I've said, I don't even know if I truly know how to love. I'm probably still too selfish too feel that.

But I want to love. I want to make that choice -- to love someone.

When I said that I could wait 3 years for you (that time was no object and that I wouldn't quit being your suitor until you decide to take me or take someone else), it was the most sincere I've ever been in my life. I could do it. I could sacrifice three years if I wanted to. I'd do that, not out of love, but out of necessity. You want it that way! 3 YEARS IS NOTHING when you want to make a point. I can court you no matter how long it may take.

However, when you told me you wanted me to stop being a suitor, it made me realize that I was willing to give up a portion of my life for some other reason -- I want to learn how to love; and I want it to be with you! It's okay for me to wait for so long because I know it's going to take me that amount of time to learn how to love. I'm courting for the first time because I want to risk something this time around-- my heart.. my soul. Perhaps, with this risk, I could learn how to become more human.

You say you're afraid of committment. You say that right now, there's no room in your life for love. Well who says we have to fall in love immediately? It's not an experience that's supposed to be rushed, right? Love is something that grows. Why can't we find love together, isn't that possible?

Please don't tell me to stop being a suitor, for that would mean the end of my search once again. Without the risk, relationships become but a game to me once again. If we just remain "friends", what's to refrain me from "looking around"? Even if you say that as friends, there is a chance for a relationship to bloom, that would be terribly unfair for you, for that would mean I had nothing to lose. I could continue playing around with you as a "friend", and if I get lucky, I can be a boyfriend. Wow, big whoopie that is! How can I ever grow as a person with a scenario like this?

Of course, the verdict lies in your hands. It's 4:30 in the morning now, and I so wanted to tell you all these in person; but you might be too freaked out with me already. So many other arguments remain unwritten; but they're unimportant now. The point is that this petition has a proper cause of action: Allow me to find love with you. Note the key words "find", and "with". You don't need to fall in love with me. It doesn't need to happen immediately. And in a way, I am making a choice in that I want the other person to be YOU. I don't care what the outcome is to be. Hey, maybe someday you could find your ideal man, and I wouldn't mind at all. You'd have found your destiny, and I would have gained something endless.

current mood: drunk
2 blotches of blues ... step into the blue
Sunday, December 11th, 2005
10:36 pm - Reluctance
Something strange happened to me yesterday.

Our apartment is right smack in the middle of a compound. There are eight apartments, and only walls a foot thick separate each. The balconies of each apartment are right beside each other, with only this one-foot barrier in the way. Just think of it as one whole balcony-structure, with thick walls at given intervals. The balconies of each apartment are so near that if you strain your neck just enough and lean your body away from the ledge, one can see the whole of the neighboring apartment's balcony and the room adjacent to it. (No this isn't the start of a really dull "peeping-tom" story)

My room leads straight out the balcony. Actually, it's the only room that leads to the balcony. Another special thing about my room is that it seems to be the only room in the house without a key, hence, it's a big no-no to leave it locked with nobody inside. Also, the door leading to the balcony is one that cannot be locked. (please do not let anyone from the akyat-bahay gang read this)

Yesterday, I accidentally locked the door to my room, and nobody was in it! All my clothes, my cellphone, my wallet (basically, everything I needed for the day) were left inside. I had to find a way in! The most logical way ro do so (besides destroying the door) was to do what i have done almost a hundred times before -- go to my neighbor's balcony and jump the gap.

There I was, standing on the ledge of my neighbor's balcony. I had explained to him the situation (a story he had heard plenty times before) and he nonchalantly agreed. So, back to the ledge.

It had been raining the night before, so their balcony, and the ledge as well, was more slippery than usual. This, of course, had happened before, and it never bothered me then. However, this time was different. As I stood on the ledge, a great fear had risen in me. It was the fear of falling. As I looked down, I saw a three-floor dropped. I saw myself flying through the air, hitting the power lines, bouncing off the Toyota Corolla below and finally hitting the wet pavement. I pictured myself lying there lifeless. It rendered me motionless. I stood on the ledge, sweating under the noon sun, glancing alternately at the ground three floors down, and at my balcony, a mere foot away.

People might think, hell, it's just a foot, how hard could it possibly be; but there were dangers. There was nothing to hang on to. The ledges were slippery. I had a hangover. A single error could mean thy kingdom come for a certain first year law student! And yet, what really bothered me was that these never really posed a problem for me before. In fact, the first time I had done this, I was in 2nd year high school. It was 3am in the morning and I was drunk as a skunk. What was wrong with me this time?! What caused all this reluctance?

Fact was, I was afraid to fall. Too damn scared. It was the first time I had stared down at the possible drop, and it scared me like hell. I imagined myself falling and I couldn't bear the thought of it.

Of course, this serves as a very obvious metaphor; but it's true. In every endeavor, it is the fear that kills us. The fear of falling, or dying, or failing. In everything we do, there is that constant nagging voice that tells us to quit whatever challenge it is we're facing. Of course, it is easier to give up and take the easy way out. It is this fear that leaves us sweating and stops us in our tracks. It can't be helped. Everyone experiences it.

I've been faced with this fear several times before, and I must shamefully admit that I've succumbed to it several times. The fear of getting hurt, sometimes, will not only make one reluctant; but also spineless. The thing is, we cannot be blamed. Once a person sees the possibility of failing, it is only natural that he/she losses heart. It's all part of life. One is faced with a challenge; one sees the possible outcomes; one doubts his/herself; and finally, one has to make a choice -- face your fears or live to fight another day (if we ever do decide to fight).

The choice is what defines us. And forever, we shall be haunted by our choices. And the harshest thing about it is that we shall never find out what would have happened if we hadn't made such a choice.

Oh, how we all must hate the phrase "what if..." It renders us all weak. Though at times, it pushes us to go through with things.

Hmmmm, what if...

Yesterday, after a reluctance of 15 minutes... I jumped the gap!

current mood: determined
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
8:06 pm - A Chatroom World
What the hell have we, as a people, been reduced to? Because for sure, whatever it is, it probably isn't human (or at least a few notches lower than what humans were a few decades back). Take a look around. We are no longer complicated individuals worthy of attention and curiosity. We are now tiny bits of data, our lives squeezed into a particle so insignificant that everything else pass us by. Right now, one must be wondering what the f*** it is I'm writing about. Simple. I'm talking about the chatroom world we call the world of relationships.

We see it everywhere. "Chubby chinito looking for thirty-something liberated girl", or "mestiza with long hair in search of tall hunk with nice blue eyes," these are just some of the dumb-ass messages we see in chatrooms, whether they be in TV or the net. Even in cell phones, we see this. "Hey, can we be textmates? Petite morena here." How damn pathetic, not to mention SHALLOW, can you get?! Soliciting yourself through media?! Being your own pimp?! How is it possible that a person can describe him/herself in 160 characters or less, smileys included?! Have we become that simple a race that an instant message may capture the essence of our very beings?

Just the other day, my dad showed me the funniest calling card ever. (and to think it was a judge's) It contained not only the usual calling card information (name, number, and address), but it also included a full, font-5 resume at the back of the card. It was all there! College: University of the Philippines. Honors received, organizations joined, jobs held, trainings and seminars attended, the whole nine yards! Now isn't that the saddest thing in the world? Congratulations Judge Loser, you just summed up your entire life in a 1.5 x 3 inch calling card. How very fulfilled you must be!

When people question their friends after a date, what does one say? The usual answer would be, "he was ok. Matangkad, ang ganda ng mata, kaso bad breath." Screw that description! You met the person for one date. You spoke a total elapsed time of 20 minutes. What do you know?!

People today, myself included (that's right, I'm no hypocrite) have gotten use to reducing other human beings to insignificant adjectives. Hell, it would even be better if we used adjectives like "articulate", and "sophisticated", or even "enthusiastic"; but no, we have to describe people as "ang ganda ng legs dude!" That there is just depressing. It's sad to think that people everywhere have become this shallow, but we have become exactly this. Maybe its the uber-fast pace we encounter everyday, or just the total lack of sympathy and interest in people that makes us forget that there's more to individuals than a text message description.

The problem with the world today is that people have just forgotten the art of listening -- of actually getting to know who a person really is, through stories, worthwhile activities, and so on. We're all so caught up minding our own lives that we ignore other people, taking them for granted, and never really getting to know who the real "them" is. We've become judgmental; the world but a mere zoo of first-impressionist animals. We're no longer people. We're walking advertisements. "Take me, I'm a moreno law student with an 8-in. tool." Then we settle for subpar relationships were the partners don't really know who the other really is.

Do you want a relationship? You can find one in a snap by just typing the correct key words. Hell, why even use a computer when you can just ask your friends, "May kilala ka bang matandang mayaman?" Isn't this system just so darn beautiful. It's perfect, especially for unfeeling robots!

I'm getting tired. Point is, girl, if you want an amazing person with mystery and a whole lot of history, and whose life you won't even be able to fit in an inbox-full of messages, stick with me. Of course, you could always use the key words "chubby chinito", and, well... Good luck with that.

current mood: irritated
4 blotches of blues ... step into the blue
Sunday, November 27th, 2005
3:00 pm - The Battle
"Lawyering is about as close to knighthood as you can get." -- Atty. Dante Gatmaytan, Professor, UP Law

Being a hopeless romantic doesn't necessarily mean the falling-in-love-forever-type of person. A romantic is a person so full of passion and ideals that it consumes his/her very person and fights for that which he/she believes in. For example, knights during the medieval period were romantics, not merely because they were in search of damsels in distress, but also because they fought fervently for a cause (whether it be for religion, peace, justice or immortality). Early this schoolyear, A very respected (and feared) professor of mine uttered the line quoted above, and I couldn't agree with him more.

Lawyers are supposed to be (though highly doubtful in this day and age) the most idealistic people alive. Their sole purpose on earth must be to go beyond any selfish motives and instead strive for justice at every possible occasion. Thus is the self-sacrificing life a lawyer must lead -- not one which is inspired by worldly aspirations. However, there seems to be a conflict between the lawyer and his/her ultimate goal. That is, there exists, since the beginning of man, an enduring battle between Law and Justice.

Yes, the idea seems ridiculous, especially since the law was indeed made to attain justice; but herein, in this idea of law, lies the problem. Laws are made, whileas justice is an ideal. And, as we've so often seen in history's course, ideals can never be attained nor be made by man -- they are rather guides, like the stars, forever desired to be reached but never to be held -- like perfection, peace, liberty and so on.

Laws are man-made. They are objective, with set rules, which when broken leads to consequences such as punishment. They are prone to manipulation and distortion. They can be changed with the snap of a finger. Moreover, they are controlled by but a few select people -- educated people lucky enough to have passed the bar or to have been elected into government positions. Not everyone has the power over law, no matter what most democracy-loving people say. In fact, according to Philippine law, not even the people have power over the law, unless done in accordance to its rules. It might sound confusing, I agree. The bottom line is, the law is the law! "dura lex sed lex" The Law may be hard but it is the law. Break it and your screwed!

Justice on the other hand is supposed to be enjoyed by all but held by none. As an ideal, it is subjective, with each individual having his/her own view of what justice is. Like the concept of "right vs. wrong", justice is relative. What might be just for one may not be just for another. It cannot be manipulated by anyone since it is pure in concept. And unlike the law, it allows for certain intangibles, such as compassion, humanity and love. True justice is that unaffected by human selfishness or ill-motive, and it can be defined only through agreement of all men (arguably an impossibility).

These are the lines by which the battle is drawn.

As a law student, I am supposed to uphold the law no matter what. Given any situation, I must apply that which the law states. There are no gray areas. It's either the law allows it or not. It's either you're guilty or innocent. In this study of law, what's wrong and what is right is measurable; and justice is reduced to a resolution -- a sentence which declares one party as winner and the other as loser. I am a student of the law and thus, I must live and die by it.

However, I am also a romantic and I likewise live according to ideals. I understand that there are things which the law fails to contemplate, circumstances such as poverty and pain. When I see laws such as our vagrancy laws (which punish poor sidewalk vendors, among others), I try desperately to look for the justice in it. In my search for this ideal, I encounter laws which seem to be useless and laws which seem to be unfair. There are some actions and decisions by the branches of our government which I question (though as a law student, I feel I should not). And thus I become confused.

On what side am I suppose to fight? On the side of the justice of the law, or that of the law of justice?

This question is one in which I still haven't found an answer; and I feel it would be some time before I learn the answer. (Although I feel that if I am to know what it is I am to do with my life, I need to find it out as soon as possible) Anyway, my thoughts alone would make no difference. Or will it?

Another professor of mine has said that "injustice occurs because there aren't enough people who complain and there are more of those who choose to do nothing." The "anti-rally" part of me wishes to scream out and disagree. The ideal part nods in concurrence. I wonder what others think..

Only time could tell.

current mood: contemplative
4 blotches of blues ... step into the blue
Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
12:18 am - Closing The Book ... Finally
It's been quite a while. I don't even know if I still know how to write (in a none legal manner that is). I feel it's only fitting, yet quite ironic, that I start my new "livejournal life" with a little closure.

Since I began here, there's been but one constant muse inspiring my every essay. Yet, due to my hopeless inability to personally tell her how I feel, that which I've been trying so hard to suppress will, 'til eternity, continue to be locked up in my writing. For the longest time, I've been dying to wait for the perfect moment to say it, watching out for the ideal circumstances and the telenovela-like dialogue. Unfortunately, the opportuniy had never shown itself; and now it is impossible to do.

I learned about it only a couple of weeks ago; but I suppose it's been going on for quite some time now (since I've been hearing whispers since a few months back): SHE has a boyfriend.

It was inevitable perhaps. A girl like her, with her undying innocence, impeccable character, unparalleled logic, and uplifting spirit, is definitely not expected to be single forever. Unicorns, as myth tells us, may never be caught by mortals; but this does not prevent the gods from ever catching one. True enough, this unicorn has finally been tamed by a god: omniscient of the universe (well, physics actually) and more handsome than most.

Of course, with the news came the usual barrage of denial, frustration, depression, and finally acceptance. When I had heard her say it through phone, it was as if I had gone deaf. Countless "excuse me, I don't think I heard you right"'s were flying through my head, causing it to ache like a thousand needles normally would. Eventually, I would get utterly disappointed at myself, thinking night and day about the many chances I had allowed to go by. "I think I may have had a fighting chance," was merely just another phrase for, "You Moronic Ox!" After which, I would spend sleepless nights telling myself that I was feeling sadder than usual because exams were coming up.

Well, glad to say (well, I think I'm glad), I am now at the acceptance stage. Yes, they both deserve each other. They'll have the perfect kids who will grow up to be athletes/geniuses/saints/models. They will be forever blessed; and, during their anniversaries, they will look deep into each other's eyes and inside each will find the true essence of life and the eternal beauty of creation. They will hold hands some fifty years from now and they will feel flowing through them the vast entirety of the universe.

She could have had all these with me too...

Oh, how us mortals continue to make such a fool of ourselves!


Well, here I am. The world has not stopped moving, which means there is still much to do. Mortals don't have the luxury of stopping to mourn their losses. Forever, they are bound to write their stories. My story has not ended just yet, though for a split second it had seemed as if it had. No, the story continues. Only now, a book has just been closed and I write on a fresh page.

current mood: refreshed
5 blotches of blues ... step into the blue
Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
11:52 pm - It's Still You
I have only five minutes to type this entry, so this will be fast.

A lot of things have been happening lately, and pretty damn fast, I must add. My parent's haven't talked with each other for four days. The President's SONA made my law school life much harder. My school workload hasn't gotten any lighter. And, to top it all off, I'm being initiated on Thursday night...

Yes, that's right. The 5'5" 115-pound weakling known as Abet is entering a fraternity.

Normally, the thought of being pounded and pile-driven into the ground would scare me shitless. But for some reason, I'm not scared. In fact, if anything, I'm quite excited. Maybe it's the tension. Maybe it's the fear. Who cares. There are butterflies in my tummy and I think I know why.

Last week, many different thoughts had entered my mind. Academics, the frat, varsity basketball, heck even death entered the picture for some reason. But amidst all these thoughts, "She" definitely stod out. For some reason, I remembered her: her smile, her voice, the smell of her hair, the color of her eyes. Everything came flooding back for no apparent reason and I don't know why. Everything reminded me of her...

Did you hear that? Everything reminded me of you? (If you can even read this)

I miss you... Terribly...

And unfortunately, my five minutes are up, and I can't tell you anymore.

I just hope that you know and understand... or at least do so in the future...

I miss you...

I hope at certain times, you miss me too.

current mood: anxious
9 blotches of blues ... step into the blue
Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
5:40 pm - Fight Your Fight Now!
It's been a little over a month since I started studying law at UP. During my first two weeks of classes, I reckon I've been able to read more pages than I've ever read my whole college life. It's been a real change in lifestyle but it's something I've learned to love. It sounds utterly strange, I know, but studying really is buckets of fun! (OK, I'm sounding pretty nerdy now) Point is, I've admittedly learned a lot, not just about how our country's legal system works but also (and this is the cheesy part) about life.

During the weekend, my new law school block had a party (yeah, that's what we do during the weekends) and just like any other party, a lot of us got drunk. Well, not really puke-your-heart-out drunk but just plain can't-walk-in-a-straight-line drunk. The thing is, as the night got older, and as the group got smaller and smaller yet drunker and drunker, the conversation seemingly grew deeper. It's weird. We went from stories about "performing a blow" (which was around 10pm) to "wild, unfathomable sex" (which was around 11pm) to "male-female power relations" (around 1am) and finally "fighting your fight, now!" It is about this last topic (the others seem a bit too self-explanatory) that I wish to dwell on.

Our talk on male-female power relations eventually led to discussions on difference: its inevitability and how it affects the politics governing our beloved (?) country. I'm sure everyone agrees that each and every one of us has his/her own ideals. Of course, we're young (at least some of us think we are) and still not exposed to (drum roll please) THE REAL WORLD. We all seem to have this notion of a perfect world where everyone is equal and there is no trace of difference whatsoever. It is due to the existence of this ideal that we love to complain so much. It is exactly this unique seed inside every youth that pushes us to question government and conduct rallies. It pushes us to join youth groups either to educate society, to try alleviate poverty, to build houses for the less fortunate and so on. We all have an ideal. And in the youth, whether you be from Ateneo, UP, or somewhere else, this ideal is pretty much the same.

The problem lies in growing up. Once we become part of the system, we lose this idealism. The lucky few who get to keep theirs are usually ignored or are currently contemplating suicide due to depression. A small chunk of the youth just keep their noses clean yet fail to stand up for what they believe in. Most will form a part of this monstrous corrupt leviathan called Philippine society. I know that most of the youth today disagree to this and swear on everything they hold holy that they never will give up their ideals. Well, a lot of that will change in time.

The inevitability of differences in our ideals will eventually lead to their abandonment. Honestly, do people think their can be a situation wherein everyone's happy? Some people might give an emphatic "yes" as an answer to this, but then again, that's their ideal side talking. No matter what happens, some, if not most of the citizens, will be complaining, again because they themselves have ideals. Even if an amazing god-like, all-knowing, all-loving person assumes presidency of the country, it is still very likely that people will rise against him/her complaining. There is no quenching the ideal thirst of people. We will always strive for an ideal that does not exist and this will lead to more rallies and complaints.

However, we cannot stop fighting. The beauty of youth and ideals is that it gets passed on to the next generation. When we, the youth of today, become adults, we will lose some of our idealism, probably even lose it entirely. But there is comfort in the fact that the future youth will have their own ideals. Yes, it will give rise to a whole new barrage of differences and problems; but this is exactly where hope lies.

We can never reach a state of perfection, and we know that. The only thing that keeps everyone sane and still breathing is the fact that people still fight for what they believe in, whatever it is they believe in. Without this difference in ideals and constant debating about how society should be, life as we know it would come to a screeching halt.

I know that I've been blabbering for quite a few lines now, so here's the point: fight your fight now, and fight it well! Once we become a part of the system, there's no turning back. After living our youth, the fight is passed on to the next generation.

Life now may seem hopeless and impossible, and there is no one solution to all our problems. But there is always the fight. And for the youth, like myself (I think), the fight is now! We should fight for our ideals as if there were no tomorrow; for it is true. Tomorrow, we'd be part of the system and our ideals would be a distant memory.

So we continue fighting... I continue fighting... And we never lose hope.

Who says you don't learn anything when you're drunk?

current mood: determined
3 blotches of blues ... step into the blue
Friday, April 15th, 2005
2:22 pm - The Dream of Flight
One of the worst things that could ever happen to a person is for him/her to walk into a conversation of two people bad-mouthing him/her. It is not only embarrassing for both parties but also tragically painful. Around five minutes ago, I entered the SEC A washroom and overheard the conversation of two Pathways Youth Conference participants. The last line of their dialogue went, "Alam mo, dapat ikaw na lang yun emcee... Agawin mo na lang yun mic mamaya..."

I was the emcee.

Of course, the moment those words got processed in my brain, my heart shattered into tiny little bits. I had a feeling the Pathways group didn't like me, and I knew I was doing a subpar job; but still, the pain was (still is actually) unbearable. I didn't joke as much as before. There were many dull moments. My co-host and I just don't get along (and they like her far more). Everything just went bad. I wouldn't even consider my performance as mediocre. It just plain stinks. Someone kill me now please.

Now, I ask myself, "What could have happened?" I was never this dull before. I have hosted many events, but none ever felt this ugly. When I think back to my efforts over the last three days, I not only see shit, I smell its overwhelming stench. I never want to host again!

Maybe it's because I'm no longer the fun guy I used to be. Maybe I've just set my mind too much on going to law school that my carefree and humorous side has abandoned me. Maybe I've lost the ability to just grab the audience's attention. I've lost my charm... my aura... my personality.

It's times like this that I want to go back in time. There was a time when people laughed at my jokes. There was a time when people smiled at me when I looked at them and I'd smile back. There was a time when my mere presence would light up a room and people would have the time of their lives. But those times are gone. I was a kid back then, not a law student. I played around and never really took things seriously. I'm not that kid anymore... and I hate it!

I just watched "Finding Neverland," a story about J.M. Barrie and how he got to write Peter Pan. In Peter Pan, kids could fly because they believed they could fly. They weren't bound by the rules of gravity or by any rules for that matter. They were carefree and remained children forever and they could fly whenever they felt like it.

I used to believe I could fly. Whenever I felt bored, or whenever there was a long distnace to travel, or whenever I studied for an exam, I would close my eyes and fly. Just go somewhere else other than where I was. I was a kid, and I never saw life as life but as a game. And in this game, I would fly. It was great! As I remember it now, I believe it's even better than sex. To just fly above the trees, above the buildings, and through the clouds. I still try to fly now, in my mind; but then thoughts of gravity and aerodynamics cause me to crash, leaving me with searing headaches.

I can't fly now. And I've forgotten how to have real fun. And I've lost all sense of innocence and immaturity. I'm boring now, and I hate myself for it. No longer am I one of the kids from Neverland. Now I'm just a kid about to go to UP law.

I'm sorry. These thoughts are just all too stupid! I should be thankful for all the blessings coming my way. If having a better life means having to let go of being a child then be it, right? I'm suppose to live in the real world now...

But still, I wish I could fly...

current mood: tired
7 blotches of blues ... step into the blue
Monday, March 14th, 2005
11:19 am - Demons
People don't usually remember dreams, myself included. Normally, the details blur away the moment we open our eyes, the reality of the dream giving way to another realty. This wasn't the case for me this morning. I had dreamt I had resurrected from the dead...

I was on vacation, in some resort, I don't know where. (I don't go to resorts taht much) I was with friends, a mixture of boys and girls. I can't quite remember if they were my blockmates or orgmates, point is, whoever they were, I was quite comfortable with them and we were having a hell of a time. Then, for some really strange reason, we all had to go for an interview -- something regarding a really sought-after prize. Excited as hell, we all waited for our turns to be interviewed. One by one, my friends went to the interview venue and came back optimistic. Finally my name was called, and it was my turn to make the trip from the poolside to the hidden room on the second floor of the resort hotel. Unlike the modern fascade of the building, the second floor was rotting. Wooden planks were hanging from the walls. Cobwebs were everywhere and there was a stench so strong that I could actually smell it. (even while sleeping)

As I was about to enter the room, a man greeted me: tall, lanky, dressed in a suit, yet utterly creepy. His preence gave me a feeling of terror and I had to ask him if I could use the washroom first before entering. He nodded in response.

The washrrom was about twenty paces away, and the hall leading to it grew darker and darker as I approached. I stood at the entrance and listened to a slight whisper which told me not to enter. I ignored it. Heading to the nearest cubicle from the door, something seemed amist. Someone, rather something else was there. As I opened the cubicle dorr, I found my hunch to be true. There, inside, stood a ghost, transparent and hideous like most TV ghosts we see in movies. Yet, there was something different with this ghost. He/she (I couldn't tell), as the eyes gave away, looked kind. I felt at peace in front of it.

The ghost then took out a knife and motioned as if s/he were going to stab me. The strange thing was, I did nothing. I merely stood there, not scared, not nervous, but numb as the cold steel made its way through my torso. I felt the sting, yet it didn't matter. I felt myself leaving my body, and saw it lying on the murky washroom floor. I was a soul, and yet I wasn't aware of it. I made my way back down to the poolside where my friends were having fun. I tried talking to them, but no one noticed me. I tried to get their attention, but the effort was futile. That's when it hit me: I was dead.

I went back to the washrooom on the second floor and saw my cold body once again, the ghost hovering over it, it's kind countenance still very much visible. We looked into each others eyes, and, as if able to read my thoughts, s/he motioned that I return to my body. I did as s/he gestured, and, with one fluid motion, the ghost kneeled down and kissed me, allowing life to flow back into my motionless cadaver.

I was alive again, and went back down to my friends, who failed to recognize me at first, but eventually saw me. They wondered where I had gone and why I seemed different. I couldn't answer.


Could it be a sign, something that could mean much more? Is this dream telling me that I should start anew and live a totally different life? Or am I just desperately giving meaning, in the form of a dream, to a life which has ceased to be exciting?


current mood: restless
1 blotches of blue ... step into the blue
Monday, February 28th, 2005
4:33 pm - Forgive Me Love
Her eyes take me captive.
More spellbound am I
by her inviting hazel eyes
than by the raging battles
ongoing inside
the choking, cemented covered courts.

Washed by the last rays
of orange sunlight
breaking through the horizon,
her tanned morena skin
cries for attention,
and I oblige, allowing her
to stand out amongst
the suffocating sea of spectators.

Her smile catches me off-guard.
Her hiding radiance escaping
from the small partition
between her lips
left ajar by a slight laugh,
that silences even
the stinging, shrieking shrills
surrounding us.

Her overworked fingers
motion to leave, caught
by a bony hand hanging
from a body not mine.
The image screams
at me from a few feet
louder than
the roaring raucous of rival teams.

I watch her petite body
swaying to the sound
of the beat sung
by their footsteps, each note
gripping my heart
like a vise
as the echo of the referee's
wailing whistle waifs away.

I'm done. At exactly 10:45 this morning, I submitted the last requirement I'd ever have to submit for college. As I was walking from my car, parked at Bellarmine, to the Jesuit Residence, I looked at the sunlit path, the golden rays finding their way between the spaces in the leaves of the guarding tress, and I just had to smile. This was my school, my home for the past 16 years; and now, despite the terrible summer heat, everything seemed so beautiful, as if calling me to stay a few more years. After having submitted my paper, on the way back, I told myself that this would be my refuge -- right here, right now, this very moment. Though I knew I would never be able to come back again (for even if I could in the future, everything would be different then), I knew that in my heart I would remain here for as long as I possibly could.

For someone very used to leaving in the middle of parties and meetings without saying goodbye to anyone, I seem to have a hard time accepting the fact that I should leave in a month's time. It's sad really. Call it senior's syndrome if you will, but I believe this is different. This school molded me into who I am today. And though most people might say that if I were the product, then the school hasn't produced much; I must disagree. I am happy with what I've become, and I have this school to thank for that.

The sad part is, I can't say goodbye, even if I wanted to. I mean, how can I possibly say goodbye? There's no hand there to shake, no head to pat, no body to hug. I can't hug the whole school... I can't hug her.

I was once asked, "What's so different now? Why do you find it so hard to let go?" I couldn't even be honest and tell the obvious bitter truth. If only that person looked into the mirror, she'd know.

You might find it weird, the sudden shift I mean from the school to a person. What people must understand is this: although the Ateneo serves as a home for my memories (Lambingan Bridge, Rock Garden, Hayes Hall, and so on...), for my past relationships, and my past self; still, in the future, when I look back at my Ateneo days there will be only one person constantly there...

I'm sorry for being such a coward. For not even attempting to tell you (in person that is). Though I would probably never have stood a chance, I should have tried. I never joined an org just because you were there. I never entered activities just because I knew you were part of them. I never stallked you and memorized your classes. I never accepted responsibilities just so I could get closer to you and be able to talk to you on the phone. I never went out of my way just to be with you...

I never did those things...

Maybe I should have...

Perhaps then everything could be different, and I wouldn't have to say goodbye after all. But that's over now. I've always said (to myself at least) that you deserved more. That I could never possibly give you what it was you needed. That I could never be the one you were looking for.

I was lying... I could have been all those... But I just didn't try...

You know, the sad thing is, there are so many others out there whom I know I could HAVE (not to be arrogant or anything), but none ever even come close.

I apologize... not only to myself and to you, but to love...
Forgive me please...
Forgive me love...

current mood: nostalgic
8 blotches of blues ... step into the blue
Thursday, January 27th, 2005
6:18 pm - Help Wanted
"Respect is earned, not demanded!"

A so-called "friend" once threw this line at me after I reprimanded someone for using a cellphone, while I was giving a talk during an AMS GA. The act of interrupting me while I was speaking was just too insulting for me and I had to call his attention in front of everyone attending. Unfortunately, this senior member apparently didn't see things the same way, and instead, she got mad at me for acting the way I did? Well, I kinda saw her point, but what exactly did she mean when she said that line, "Respect is earned?" It got me thinking (as most trivial things usually do for me), "Am I a person not worthy of respect?"

The same question popped into my mind yesterday afternoon as I was announcing some reminders during the ANI GA. When I was introduced, people were laughing at me -- making fun of me. Well, this was something that wasn't really new to me since people seem to have such a great time poking fun at me; but what really irritated me was the fact that when I began talking, people did not only NOT pay attention to what I was saying, they were intentionally making noise, blurting out side comments, and counting my "ok"s. And to think that I wasn't cracking jokes or making funny faces! I was dead serious and, in fact, i could actually feel the heat filling up my ears! I was furious. I wanted to just shout at all of them but then I restrained myself. I figured I better not destroy the little respect they had remaining for me (if there even is any respect for me).

It's pretty depressing really. These people were different from my AMS co-members. These people were supposedly ANI volunteers -- people you could talk to, seriously. I expected more from them; but sadly, they didn't seem to care about what it was I was saying. And what saddened me even more was the fact that the people present apparently had no respect for me. OK, so admittedly, I haven't done much to deserve their respect, but still, doesn't the position of Assistant Vice Principal mean anything to them? Even if I am a person not deserving of respect, should they not at least listen because what I was talking about concerned the kids?

The whole event just pissed me off, causing me to leave the venue with a heavy heart. At home, the feeling of disappointment turned to depression and lost of self-esteem. Statements like, "I'm not worthy of respect," and "I'm a useless leader," flooded my brain. Maybe I did something wrong? Maybe it's my whole attitude towards people which makes them lose respect for me? Whatever it is, I don't like it.

Today, I noticed the same thing. Left and right, people were poking fun at me, putting me down, and saying things like "Abet has no character." Is it my lack of character which denies me the respect a human being deserves? Or do I even have the right to call myself a human being? From the lack of respect being shown to me, it sometimes dawns on me that I'm something much less than human. Perhaps I'm something lower like a pig or a dog. But come on, even dogs and pigs sometimes get some respect.

Now, it seems hopeless. I feel like the only solution for me is to leave the country and start anew. Maybe I shouldn't be too friendly in the future. Maybe I should just retreat to an isolated cave somewhere near the Pacific. One things for certain though, I should change my life, for the way people are treating me sure isn't getting any better. For the people reading out there, "What is wrong with me?" "What makes me so unlovable?"

I was texting with a friend the other night and I told her I seemed to be having a hard time letting go my life in College. She asked me why and I couldn't answer. Well, after yesterday, the whole letting go thing now seems a lot easier. I want out of here! I want out of this College! I want out of this life!

I'm tired...

And I'm desperate...

For once, I want to become a human being deserving of respect...

I need help... Please...

current mood: numb
9 blotches of blues ... step into the blue
Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
4:17 pm - Where Change Starts
Ok, so lately I've been bombarded with leesons on change. There are of course the typical philosophy and theology classes which talk about change in society's values and ethics and changes in people's commitment and so on. There's talk about change in my family, in a way that my lola, dad, and sister never seem to change. There was this script for a play i recently read which talks about change in understanding. And, of course, there is that change which I'm currently experiencing. (and no, it's not physical change due to puberty -- i've been long through that)

So let's talk about change. I've mentioned before that I was all too afraid of change -- that I never wanted to change and that, if given a choice, I would become a kid forever. Well, lately, (probably a little too late) I've realized that change is needed. And that we can (and cannot) control it. It sounds crazy I know but life is crazy. And so, I try to explain myself:

Change is in our hands. That is, if we want to change ourselves. I don't want to be lazy anymore. I want to be mature. I want to do something about my long time hidden crush on someone. These, and many others are examples of change which depend on us: on our actions and choices. It is in these kinds of statements where we see the role of choice. I choose to NOT be lazy! I choose to be mature! I choose to act and tell that special someone how I really feel! Here, change is a choice... A choice we make!

There are times, though, when we can't seem to do anything about change. Like the times when we want change to stop or delay itself. "Huwag muna sana umalis yun friend ko... I'll terribly miss her/him." "Sana naman hindi pa ako tumanda at lumaki para makalaro pa ako sa 'playhouse' ng McDo." And so on...

Or the times when we desperately want change to happen but we seem so helpless in fighting for it and, in the end, we feel so foolish. Like when we want a close family member to stop smoking, drinking, staying up late and eating fatty food yet we can't do anything about it; and before we know it, he/she's gone. Or when we want our team to be a winning ball club and we practice so hard, and yet you guys end up the cellar-dwellers.

These are the types of change (or unchange) which hurt. Those wherein we just can't help but watch and cry (or laugh, whichever the case may be).

But, are these the kinds that really hurt, or doesn't it hurt more when you know you could have made the choice for change (or unchange) and yet failed to do so? Well, for me, this is a hard question. I've always been a coward when it comes to change. I CAN'T STAND CHANGE! And yet, without change my whole life would be empty. Without change, life would be empty.

We should never be afraid of change. It's change that brings drama, excitement, comedy, and spice into our lives. It's change that enriches our human freedom (so theo...). It's change that brings about opportunities for growth. It's change that makes us who we are.

Maybe what I'm getting to is that when we're faced with the choice, we must take the risk. We must choose change! It will happen anyway; and if we refuse it, we'll just end up with regret. So change is a good thing, whether we like it or not. Now if only I could accept this... Maybe when that time comes, I'd be a better man. 'Til then, I'm just a hypocrite.

current mood: distressed
1 blotches of blue ... step into the blue
Sunday, December 19th, 2004
12:44 am - Thought...
"Gray and motionless / The frog looks flatter than usual / What envious stupidity!"

This was a haiku I made for my Creative Writing class. It sounded pretty weird, even to myself, when I wrote it last Tuesday; but now I realize that there might actually be more to it than I thought.

In Philosophy class this morning, Fr. David talked about Jean-Jacques Rosseau and his thoughts on the past of humans. He said that long before humans became social beings, we were all absolutely free and that we lived our lives based on instinct. One of these instincts was COMPASSION.

Rosseau stated that before language, humans never even gave compassion a second thought. In fact, they never gave it a thought -- it just flowed out from them like a spring of water. Humans used to be compassionate not only towards co-humans, but also towards everything!

Now what exactly destroyed this free-flowing willingness to be compassionate? Well, Rosseau answers: REASON is the culprit! It is reason that makes us think selfishly -- makes us wonder what it is we need to have and need to do. Due to our preoccupation with our own lives and due to the incessant thinking and worrying we do; WE FORGET THAT THERE ARE OTHERS WHO NEED US AND OUR HELP. Due to reason, we protect ourselves, and thus, make it impossible for us to protect others.

Let me give an example. Joe De Venecia's daughter just died in a fire accident. Now, how come she wasn't saved eventhough there were countless firefighters and by-standers gathered around during the fire? Well, it was because those people had the capacity to reason. They knew thay had to preserve their lives! To brave the fires would mean certain death, and nobody surely wants that!

But think of it this way: If people, especially the people present during the fire, didn't have reason, they wouldn't have thought about impending death when they saw the fire, and, they would have gone in to save the poor girl when she shouted for help.

You see, THOUGHT and REASON don't only make us heartless and incompassionate, it also makes us all COWARDS!

Tonight, I wish I were just plain STUPID! No thought or reason whatsoever... Then maybe I could show more compassion towards myself... And also, perhaps, I could gather more strength to say what needs to be said.

You see, tonight, I was given a Christmas Gift. Nothing material... A "friend" let me watch a play, and she paid for my ticket. In all honesty, I believe it was a very cute gift. I do love the theatre anyway... But it just didn't feel right...

She wasn't there with me.

I know, it sure does not sound like me. I mean, I'm the type of person whom you'd hear saying, "Your gift is nice, but I need the cash." But this was different.

I wanted her to be there with me... To share her thoughts on the play like we'd use to in the past. I wanted to laugh at the lines with her. To sit right next to the empty chair beside me so that I'd have someone to punch (lightly on the shoulder that is) when a really funny line would be thrown, or pinch when a truly cheesy scene would come up.

For the first time in my life, I didn't mind getting a gift or not. I just missed the person. I don't care about the material, and I don't care about the money. If given the choice, I'd rather choose her.

Well, of course I could have told her all this when I called her after the play to thank her; but then that's when the evil thought and reason came in. You can't tell her -- "It would be weird,""She probably won't understand,""She won't even care anyway." And so on...

And so, when she asked how the play was, all I could say was, "It was ok." When the truth was, the words "It was just not the same without you," were desperately trying to barge their way out of my mouth.

Once again, reason got the best of me. It failed to show me (and probably her also) compassion; and, in addition turned me into a coward.

For once, I'd just want to forget thinking about the consequences of my actions and just do what instinct tells me.

But that's just not possible, for where's the fun in that?

Anyway, wherever you are: "Thanks for the gift, whether it be the one you gave tonight, or the one that you've given me that would last a lifetime."


current mood: thoughtful
2 blotches of blues ... step into the blue
Monday, November 8th, 2004
3:15 pm - The Sweets I Can Never Give
I was supposed to give you some chocolates today... whoppers -- an entire box of it. Don't ask me why. It's just that when i saw it, i immediately thought of you. Which is a pretty silly reason because i thought about you during the entire 18 days of my vacation.

It's weird, really. I came to school this morning with a terrible headache, in fact i still have one; and yet when i was about to leave the house,just a few feet away from the door, you once again crossed my mind. Headache or no headache, late or not for Fr. David's class, I just had to get the Whoppers from the fridge to give to you.

You shared some with me once you know... Whoppers, I mean. But you probably won't remember.

Well anyway, they're still here with me, right beside my mouse while I write this entry. The thing is, they're not supposed to be here... They're supposed to be with you. Just as i believe I'm supposed to be with you. But I'm not and the whoppers aren't either.

Maybe I'd just like to say sorry, not only because i prevented you from enjoying something i know you'd definitely enjoy; but also for being such a coward.

I'm really sorry... I just can't do it.

When i was in the states, I promised myself that I'd tell you... tell you the truth. And I'm not one who breaks promises. So you can only imagine how disappointed I am in myself right now. Well, not as disappointed as you'd be towards me if you found out. Whoppers din yun, diba?

Now, I don't know what to do with this box. I opened it already... Maybe to prevent myself from actually giving it to you. I mean, I can't even finish it. How can I? It's too much. And whoppers are meant to be shared, just as what you did with me before.

I'm sorry.

I'll make up for it, don't worry... It's just that right now, i don't know how. I just hope that for the moment, you can do without the whoppers. Oh, why can't I be like most other guys who find it so easy to give chocolates?!

Well, you deserve more than me anyway... You deserve more than Whoppers. You deserve Ferrero Rocher or something like that.

Anyway, I'm sorry... For you, and for myself most especially.

The sweets continue to stay with me alone...

current mood: disappointed
2 blotches of blues ... step into the blue
> previous 20 entries
> top of page